Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
