4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
