I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
