You really coming over, don't trick.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
