Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize