fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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