I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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