I'm really into asian looking animals
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
