sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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