I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
