I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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