my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The air taste purple.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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