I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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