So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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