i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I deserve this hangover.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
