I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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