I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
