I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
