I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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