dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
