Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
