White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
