I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
