My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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