He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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