eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
