She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
