We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
