Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
