i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ladies don't puke and tell
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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