i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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