I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
