Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
