she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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