I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
