when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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