Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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