Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
