You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
