I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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