Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
