Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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