He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I wish there were birth control emojis
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
