i wish my penis had a tongue
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
