I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
They took my balls.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
