is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
