Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
