Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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