your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize