I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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