I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
