My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
please don't ironically join a cult
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