I cannot find my penis.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
