Soap is not a condiment
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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