Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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