Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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