Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
