And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
