i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He shit in the fireplace
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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