barbara walters just said penis...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
