i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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